Some days are easier and well, some aren't...

I woke up this morning to the harsh reality that about 2 weeks ago, if everything had gone as they should have, I would be thinking about packing today to leave tomorrow for 5 days to spend with the most special person in my world. Unfortunately, as one can tell from all my ranting, raving (not the fun kind), analyzing and carrying on lately, this is not the case. Ugh, it really just eats me up inside. It bothers me too that I will go down in her mind as a nobody. I really don't even think that she realizes that I was one guy who understood her and wanted to take the right steps so she never felt like I would take advantage of her, like I was one of the others. I thought I did a great job of proving it, I hung around for 9 months without seeing her once just building trust, respect, and a relationship that should have lasted. Sure, there were the flaws without being able to see one another but I tried my best with what I had to work with. And now, I'm sure in her eyes, somehow I've been made into a bad guy. I really don't see it at all but I'm sure that's the way it's been justified to save face. It's so pathetic b/c if you can believe it or not, that's been my longest relationship and even with how things ended, it was my best. That deserves another "ugh", or maybe just a sigh, I don't know.

I told my manager yesterday in a meeting that I would have to cancel those days off for Thurs-Tues. He looked at me a little confused and I felt like an idiot for doing it again. I made up something quick about how I was going to go up to the Michigan house to help my p's with some work but then they hired someone to come in and do most of it. I felt ashamed. Well, even more stupid that I paid for a ticket to nowhere.

Everytime I see or talk to my mom, she asks "have you heard from your friend Amaya?" She always refers to the girls I really like as "friends" b/c she never wants to assume too much, it's sort of amusing. Whenever she asks me that question though, I never can look her in the face b/c I feel ashamed for making such a big deal out of her to my parents. My dad must think I'm a complete idiot. I've never talked about someone that I liked that much with my parents before and I feel completely ridiculous for doing it now. Especially after I made arrangements with my mom to use her car to come pick A up at the airport. Then having to call her back to tell her that I wouldn't need it afterall. Of course, she started asking a ton of questions, it was completely humiliating. Then I explained some of the things that she didn't know about. Basically, like some of the other past trips that fell through at the last second, she knew about the trip to Chicago, and my DC trip which I would have had to stay at Dulles the whole weekend if I decided to wait for her. She asked me "Why would you keep going after the first time that happened?" The only thing I could tell her was "Because I thought she was worth the wait, I really cared for her". Man, my mom didn't say it but she knew I was in love. I would mention her name and it was a smile from ear to ear. But my mom also knows that my heart's broken so she's careful on what she says. She knows I'm embarrassed about everything.

I take it one day at a time. Like I said somedays are easier and some aren't. Tomorrow might be ok, April 15th will be tough to get out of bed and face the day.