Missing her so much...

Instead of try to recap what I received, here is the email that Amaya sent this morning......
"It's so hard to do this.I don't know what to say...I just couldn't go thru with it. I just couldn't. I have so many bad memories associated with Chicago and I just couldn't. And thats the truth. We did run into some problems later, but that has nothing to do with me or you. I'm really unsure of everything. I do know I care about you and I don't want to hurt you. I know I've already done that...."

And my response shortly thereafter...

Oh Amaya, why would you say something like that? I know you have so many bad memories of Chicago but I'm here to turn all those bad memories into good ones. I want to be the man who makes everything in your life right, I want to be the man who makes you forget there was ever a Mike or Broke A*s or any other jerk you've come across in your life. If you never go through with it, then you've let those guys beat you, they win and that can't happen. If that happens, all the faith I've put in you will disappear and I don't want that. I know this trip was going to be to difficult to make for you, I didn't want to say anything, but I thought that you would be able to do it b/c you had a great group of friends to do it with.

I love you. As last week wound down to 3 o'clock Friday, I could feel that love building up inside of me. Emotions that I've never felt before were stirred up inside of me which made it that much more difficult when I came to the realization that you weren't going to make it.

Please, if this isn't really the reason why you didn't show, please tell me now or I'm going to feel like a complete fool. If it's someone else, tell me. If you don't care for me anymore, tell me. I know you said you just couldn't go through with it, but please just confirm it for me, for my peace of mind.

I would like to talk about this. I can't just let you go, I care too much for you. Out of all the b.s. I went through with Inese, she did say one thing that stuck... If you find someone that's worth it, then you should stick with it, you shouldn't give up so easy. She's right, she also wasn't worth it. You are. I think you're worth all this trouble and I don't want to give up on you and I'm not going to. I know this is difficult for you, it's difficult for me, but I have an undying love that I can't ignore right now and I won't. My feelings run too deep for you.

Please baby, contact me soon, I miss you so much I can't even put it into words.

.......................................................................................................

I mean every word of it, especially that she is worth fighting for. As I've learned through everything that has happened b/w us in even trying to meet, it's just not going to be easy but once it happens, there will be no stopping us. The past 4 days without contact from her has taught me that I can't go on without her in my life. I consider myself an extremely independent person, probably to a fault, this is the only person I've ever said this about. Why won't she call? I know she feels the same way about me. But am I just kidding myself? Is this easy for her to blow me off? Does she not care as much as I thought she did?

I always said I wouldn't be that guy who goes back for more punishment, I've always known myself to let it go and simply go my own way without looking back. I guess that's b/c I never cared for anyone as much as I care for her. I don't care if it looks weak and could get hurt more than I ever have before, I want this to work. I miss her so much, I miss her laugh, I miss talking to her, I could go on forever. I hope she contacts me soon.