Trying to Keep Things on the Down Lo
So the girl who I've wrote about in a couple entries recently randomly found my blog. Actually, it wasn't all that random. I gave her the address to Timmy's blog b/c he's the man and everyone should read it. Before that she didn't even know what a blog was. So through peoples comments and what not, she went from blog to blog, stopping on the ones she liked, and then eventually kept going through. She really likes the comments section (according to her). So she ends up at one where she sees my roommate's name (which is pretty unique) and then after reading for a couple minutes, she figures out that it is me. Needless to say that sort of sucks b/c, I sometimes write out of blind rage some would say, as I'm sure you will attest Armaedes.
I do write when I am most annoyed or really just have something on my mind b/c I don't like sharing issues with my friends and others. I find this outlet to be fairly therapeutic. And when I write, I write as I am in that moment. Unfortunately, some of the things I've said about someone that I consider special was read by that person. And of course, when I write, it usually focuses in on the negative b/c that's when I feel the need to write. I don't feel bad about what I wrote b/c it's what I felt at that time, however, I feel bad b/c there's tons of great qualities that should be pointed out with her as well. Anyway, this was her reaction to reading my blog...
E to the _
Since I got to your blog I'll give you something...this is what I'm thinking at the moment....You have a wall up just as much as I do. Since I'm the gemini and have multiple personalities I seem to only give half no...1/3... 1/4 of me. I tend to act all silly, entertaining!!!, the I don't give a fuck, in the face, sarcastic, etc. I do that cuz whats the point of giving 100%, when they don't stick around. I guess it would just hurt more. Do you know what I mean???? It's exactly what you said "I'm fun and make you laugh and always a good time"My ADD is in full effect and my thoughts are racing, my brain hurts.
Last night when we talked about just turning it off. Well congratulations E go put on the winner medal I gave....cuz you just earned it. I don't know if that is good or bad. It's hard for me cuz I think about all the amazing fun times...here is a little recap (since you just vented the shitty)
shopping w/ my rules
dressing room laughs
watching movies and you getting mad when I talk
bugging Jarm
Subway...only the green
naughty cab rides..hello tits
lap dance @ Burtons
C off the tits
constanly laughing
red lobster
cumming hard on the cock screaming O's
E saying I think it's ___ bedtime
laughing and being gay
laying in bed watching movies
gay fights
tickle tickle fights
being silly sarcastic mean to each other
laughing at cok whores
my crazy stories I tell
Sibby drinking w/ E
me sayin E-R-I-C when you do something gay
laughing
So E it is hard to turn it off when 98% off the time I truly enjoy hanging out w/ you. I can't say that about most. Mainly I like it cuz it was just fun no strings attached...just pure good old natural fun. Fuck why not...whats so wrong about a down ass bitch. God I love when I get all ghetto.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!! You know what hurts is it seems you hated the sexual shit....THAT HURTS. You wrote it. Cuz I thought and it seemed like you liked it.
I guess I wish, I mean Fuck I miss how it was. Just being all silly and gay w/ a little L..and nothing more.
FOR REAL E FUCK FUCK FUCK...how many times did I say FUCK
L to the E
email/call me if you want to....
OK, that was the end....................................Ugh, I really do enjoy her company. I've just never experienced someone with so many crazy episodes (some are easy to deal with, others aren't). Obviously, we haven't been communicating as well as I thought.
But after her list of the good experiences in that message, it just showed me that I have this tendency to focus on the negative. I really hate that about myself and I am consistently working at changing that. I'm a tough customer though, I expect a lot out of myself and the people I hang out with. When you always see your life as this ongoing project or something that needs constant development, you forget about all the good things that you have. You forget to stop and smell the roses every once in awhile so to speak.
A couple more things that I would like to add to her list so I don't forget:
1. When I got my new job, she had her kids (she's works with special ed kids in elementary) make me a little medal to hang around my neck that said "winner". I wore that thing everyday for about 2 weeks. Even if L wasn't around, I would come home from work and throw it on. I know, I'm a dork. We would go out together and I would act like a jackass (can you imagine that?) . She would tell me to stop and my response would be "I don't have to b/c I'm the big winner" as I would point to my medal.
2. She also worked with her kids to make me a card that congratulated me on my new job and they all signed it. Then she gave me a really nice bottle of Veuve champagne with it. It was so incredibly nice and I was completely taken off guard.
3. She surprised me with Bears preseason tickets and we went together one Thursday night. She did get eye raped by this one guy but we laughed our asses off about it b/c he was such a chotch.
4. BJ on the beach.
5. Left/Right/Center.
6. Mex dominos.
7. Her flashing the other rooftop from my rooftop and falling off her chair hitting every body part on the table on the way down. Fucking best fall ever.
8. And most importantly, as much as she drives me crazy sometimes, she makes me laugh all the time.
posted by Eric2613 @ 10/18/2005 12:49:00 PM
5 Comments:
I keep people at a certain distance and I don't allow too many people into my world... I have many friends but only a select few get close. I am demanding and impatient when it comes to those around me but if you have my love, respect, and friendship I will do anything for you. My problem is I am quick to walk away. I don't do drama. I hate it. I am too old to play the damn games and it sounds as if you are the same... I wouldn't look at yourself so harshly. Yes, you may be critical and have high expectations but why shouldn't you?! Sometimes you have to out-weigh the good and bad. And it is not always as cut and dry as "we have more good times then bad" sometimes you really have to look at the bad times and how bad are they to see if it is worth staying. What she did; driving off like that, shows she is a little off her rocker. And I didn't see ant type of an apology in her comment... You are allowed to vent your personal feelings and while they might be hurtful to some, it needs to be understood that it was written in anger. When you are upset you aren't thinking about the good times. you are VENTING the negative feelings so of course you focus on the negative. The good things you listed about her shows that once you have calmed down you can look at the bigger picture, that is an important quality. The question is now, do want her in that picture any longer?
Ciaran, thanks for the input. You really understood where I was coming from. And you're completely right, that is the question I have to ask myself. Thanks again, take care.
My pc is taking a poop right now so it won't load your current post... Anyways, we all get into these kind of funks, or at least I do. And while I don't know the cause or even exactly what you are dealing with right now, I understand your statement about not being able to post about it becasue it won't come out right. Take your time and you will work it out... I know that when I do one of my "disappearing" acts nothing is an appropriate or satisfing outlet/release. I like to disappear into my own thoughts and work my way out in due time... There are times that I am so caught up in what is going on in my head that I can't even talk about it. Does that make sense? It is like my thoughts are flying so fast and changing so often that I literally can't talk fast enough to keep up them. So I become silent. I retreat to let it "flow". Don't push it, it'll come. But I say keep writing because when your brain finally clears it is a good source to look back to and have a good picture of where you were standing... so to speak. Raw, uninhibited emotion tends to be the truest. You don't have time to analyze, doubt, or change anything to be appropriate to how others will perceive it or you. If anything keep them for yourself, not everything needs to be published... Do you feel like you are sitting on a couch?! If so sorry, that wasn't my intention...
You should take a bubble bath...yes, very girlie but very relaxing (we do it for a reason and it is not because we like to play with bubbles!)... I like to get out a bottle of my favorite champagne, light candles( use a night light if you don't want your roomie to see the candles), and read a good book while chillin' in the tub... Lock the door, turn on the jets(sorry if you don't have any) and relax... I don't get out until the bottle is gone, and I really take my time with it. I use this time to endulge and pamper myself, getting drunk is just a perk! If the water gets a little cold, drain some and add more...
I know this is probably the gayest shit you have ever been told to do but I don't care... Having good quality alone-time is necessary for me to remain sane... If you don't feel like being alone, invite someone pretty... You know where to find me if you feel like chatting... And don't worry, I will try not to consider myself an asset... ;)...
Wait a sec. I do know where to find you?
Sure you do, you just have to find the post that lets you look at my profile... good luck....
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