There's Always Something...

Well, I found out last week that Jenny is pregnant. She doesn't know how long but I know it can't be mine. Amaya didn't think so.... imagine that. Of course in her eyes, I'm the worst guy ever.

In fact, this morning I found out from Jenny that she got her test results back and she said it definitely wasn't mine. No surprise there. I can't believe she's going to keep it but she knows what's best for her.

So whether I like it or not, it looks like I will be going to D.C. since I have a non-refundable ticket. I took 1.5 days off of work next week to hang out with this girl and she can't even have the decency to keep things pleasant. Personally, I think it's some kind of defense mechanism that goes off in her for some reason. Funny how every time that we're supposed to see each other, something happens but then the next week after the smoke clears, everything is all better again. Well, it doesn't matter, she doesn't care how much time I take off or what I do for her or consider my feelings once. Whatever I do or no matter how much I support her, it's just never enough. And in return I get her saying that she can't trust me.

So it's going to come down to having to call someone up to see if I can crash at their place...
-There's the C daddy who I like but can only take in small doses
-There's the bridesmaid from that wedding over the summer who told me to contact her if I ever was out in D.C.
-Lisa from highschool (probably not)
-I could run it solo and get a place (maybe, but I don't know the area at all, I could end up next to the D.C. version of my Shadies)

I don't know, we'll see. All I know is it will be good to get out of Chicago for a little bit. I need to stretch my legs out for a long weekend and get out for some adventure.

It's too bad. We were so close to having something truly special. We had a unique situation that was supposed to turn out to be something really sacred and it's all been ruined with her insecurities. Well, at least walking away from this, I know I don't have any problems, I did what I do best, be myself... sometimes that's just not good enough for some people but at least I wasn't fake.

Anyways, here is my last few emails that I sent to her....

But before messages, I just want to say what the fuck happened to me? I read these back to myself. I never used to think, feel or write like this. Shit, I've gotten soft to let someone do that to me.
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This morning's phone conversation was a big wake up call for me. I can't believe you were acting like that but why should I be surprised, you've been acting like that for awhile now. If I treated you in that manner, you would never speak to me again. Well, I have so many things I would like to say but I don't think it would matter b/c you don't listen to me anyway (you might not ever read this email, who knows).

I won't deny that I have strong feelings for you, however, I think it's those same feelings that have clouded my judgement for some time. I have never done anything too wrong to ever upset you. I've stood by you through everything, I've put up with you not being able to make it to Chicago after plans were set whether it was family emergencies or personal dilemna. You made out with a guy and I still worked things out with you. I didn't even have a date for my 10 year reunion b/c I placed all my eggs in one basket with you. The list goes on. What did I ever ask for in return? Nothing. I loved you, I wanted what was best for you. I figured if I was patient and didn't push things, it would lead to a more meaningful relationship. You had experienced tragedy after tragedy and all I wanted was to be there for you. But what did I get in return instead? That you can't trust me.

I'm going to let you go. I looked in the mirror this morning and I realized that I'm a good looking guy with a great head on his shoulders. I have a lot to offer someone and I have a lot of love to give. My girlfriends are always trying to hook me up with their friends and I tell them that I'm not interested b/c I found this great girl already. The thing I've come to realize is that this girl who I think the world of doesn't even care for me anymore, all I am is a safety net when she needs someone to talk to.

This situation with you was turning me into someone I don't want to be... I was becoming a pushover with no self-worth who's lost focus on what's important. Many times, you make me feel like I'm always doing something wrong and for a long time, I was starting to think I was. The only thing I was guilty of was caring for you too much and letting you take advantage of my feelings. I'm embarrassed of myself with how I've been acting, like I said, this has all been a big wake up call.

Life is too short. Haven't you learned anything yet throughout the past six months? When is it going to hit home for you? Sometimes the best people in your life are the ones you don't realize until you don't have them anymore. You should understand that more than anybody I know.
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I really don't know what's got into you. Life is too short to waste energy on this manufactured drama. I texted you before bed last night and didn't hear anything back from you. You told me not to call you so I'm going to honor that request. I don't know why you don't want me to call, it really doesn't make any sense.

You are putting me in a very awkward position lately. I've never put up with this kind of treatment from anybody. Any other time, I would have said "fine, she doesn't trust me, that's her fault, I've done what I can do, I'll move on, I can't waste my time with this nonsense". However, I think you're worth everything that I've been through with you. I try my best to stand by you and support you, why can't you see that? Guys who have cheated on you, got married while going out with you get better treatment than I do. It's completely ridiculous.

I don't know if this is some ploy so you can justify finding a date to your inauguration ball. I don't know what to think.
I'm the good guy... I'm the guy who has a good head on his shoulders, the kind of guy that won't judge you, the kind of guy that will give up his seat on the el for an old person, the guy that you can cry on his shoulder and laugh hysterically with, the guy you can take anywhere and feel proud of, the guy you can trust, and the guy will stand by you no matter what. If you can't see that by now, then I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

If you want me to rundown every place I was at last week after work, I'll tell you. Even though that would be the second time b/c I told you last week what I was going to be up to. There are no surprises. I tell you everything and I'm open about all of it. I've got nothing to hide.

After all you've been through over the past 6 months and I've been there for you as best I can through everything. How many guys would have done that without ever meeting you? Doesn't that count for anything? Doesn't that prove anything to you?

I hope you choose to contact me soon. For the first time in a long time, I'm starting to become very uneasy with this situation.
Eric
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I don't know what to do about you. I love you so much and I don't know where these insecurities come from with you. Jenny has taken several pregnancy tests way after she had been with me and they have all come up negative. In fact, she told me she took one a couple weeks ago and it came up negative, then she took two last week and those both came up positive. The reason I had a difficult time remembering when I was with her is b/c she doesn't matter to me. That was a lifetime ago, I'm with you now. Let me make that very clear to you... you're the only one for me. You are the reason that I couldn't continue to see her. I couldn't ignore my feelings for you and I had to let Jenny know.

But please, you have to trust me. No matter what happens with you, the amount of guy friends that you have, the fact that you still talk to married Mike and Broke Ass, the crazy things that happen to you and I stand by your side on every issue, and stand by you unconditionally. If you're taking advantage of my trust in any way then I'm setting myself up for a tremendous fall. A fall that I don't think I would be able to recover from. Unlike you, I've never truly been in love in the past. I've never opened up the way I have to you. When I feel that you don't trust me or you get angry at me for no good reason, it hurts me more that I lead onto.

This morning I woke up and the first person I thought of was you. And when I was working out, I thought of you. I want to make you proud of the person that I am. I try to make myself better b/c I want to impress you. You have a very successful family/background and I want to show you and everyone that I have what it takes. I'm trying to find my calling while developing a relationship with, whom I consider, the most special person in the world. However, this focus on the negative from your end is counterproductive. I don't know why you want to focus on the kind of things that will only lead to a dead end.

I was feeling so good this morning and then I came into the office to your email. Why do you want to make me feel so bad when I'm doing nothing wrong. I didn't think twice about mentioning going out to lunch with Rebecca yesterday. I didn't think about it b/c she knows that I care for you and I told her all about my trip and how excited I was. Not that it matters but she's back with her bf of 5 years. It was no big deal. I didn't have any real plans yesterday and someone called me up to go tan and go to lunch. Of course I'm going to go, it's better than sitting around cleaning or whatever I would be doing.

Last night, I got a call from a girl I used to date awhile ago. She asked if I had any plans this weekend and maybe we could go out. I gave her the thanks-but-no-thanks. My focus is with you. I want to feel that I can tell you everything. I want to trust you. I want us to work. Please understand that I only want you.
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Eric,

After spending much of the evening thinking about everything thats been going on with you...Jenny, the Pregnancy, and now the Tanning Salon girl. it all really just makes me ill.

First off, you have no recollection of when you slept with Jenny. I know it was at your friends wedding. I know it was at the hotel. I know it was when we were 'talking'. What you did before September doesn't really matter to me, what matters is the fact that you've lied to me about what went on that weekend when you told me nothing happened at all. I can't get that out of my mind.

And having lunch with the girl from the tanning salon after I've heard many times how cute she is and you actually liked her before that too makes me ill. I don't trust that it's lust platonic.

On another note something that I found was really weird was the fact that you only called me once during the past week and woke me up from a sleep. And to be fair to you I know that you don't have as much free time as I have at night, but you didn't call me but one time! Seems odd to me. You're well aware of how much I love it when you would call and just say 'Goodnight, I love you, bye". It makes me wonder what was taking up your time. And honestly, 2 minutes of your time is not too much to ask for. I guess we see things differently. You're all that I think about and I want to spend all of my time with you, or I want to know how you're doing all the time. Perhaps that just asking too much from you.

You're well aware of my trust issues. This is all too much drama for me.
I saw where you tried calling me. Don't. When I'm ready to talk to you, I'll call you. Right now the very thought of you drives me crazy. I don't know what you're doing there. I don't want to know either, I have an idea but I won't be elaborating on that, right now. It makes me sick. And again, don't call and we'll talk and make everything better and I'll just put it out of my mind. I can't let this go....I'm in too deep.
Amaya