V-Day #29

Ahhh, another V-Day flying solo in Chicago. I don't know, it's not such a bad thing. On one hand, it would be nice to have someone special to celebrate it with. On the other hand, I don't have to get caught up with the pressure of the holiday to make sure it's something extra special. I have that side in me but it's better to experience it with someone who means a lot to you than just to go through the motions half-heartedly. I ended up cooking up scallops and shrimp in an assortment of spices with shaved lemon and served it over angel hair pasta. I was pretty proud of myself. Actually, last night, I cooked filet mignon served over polenta with a side of sauteed spinach with lemon squeezed over the top. To be honest, it was good but that was my first time preparing polenta and it's not quite what it was like when served in a restuarant. So I still have some work to do on the polenta. Hmmm.... what else? That stupid GMAT has got me down. It's getting more difficult to focus everyday, primarily b/c my life is a mess b/w my work situation, trying to find a new work situation and of course, Amaya... who, by the way, didn't even call on V-Day to wish me anything. You know, I don't ask for much, I really am not a needy person. The couple things I have asked from her and nothing has happened. I ask for the password, takes 2 weeks to give me the wrong one. I ask for a picture, nothing. She said she mailed me something I think last Thursday or Friday, now it's Wednesday and I still haven't received anything. She says she has mono but she's always out. I talk to her for a brief moment last night at 11 her time and she can't talk b/c she's taking care of something. She called me at 2 in the morning on Tuesday morning and I don't even know why, I barely remember speaking to her. All I want is to have things work out b/w us, I would sacrifice everything for her but I don't feel that she feels the same way, although, she says she does. The funny thing is that her words don't depict her actions. In fact, they're quite the opposite. This has all been adding to my confusion lately. I'm tired of this feeling. I pass up a lot of opportunities b/c I want Amaya. Can you believe that one chick sent those bday suit photos of herself on Valentine's Day? She's very brave. That takes a lot of balls and a good amount of trust to hand those over to someone. Well, it was a flattering gesture but I'm hung up on Amaya. Is she a pipe dream? I don't know anymore. All I want her to say is "Eric, I'm flying out to see you this weekend and I don't care what the hell you're doing, you're going to have to make arrangements to see me". I want that to happen and I don't want a call or something to come up where she can't make it. I want that to happen so bad it hurts in the pit of my chest. It hurts every morning when I wake up and it hurts every night when I'm thinking in bed right before I sleep. I hate that feeling. She says she wants to be with me forever, I even came to her and it didn't work. I've done everything I can think of, is there anything left?