Up, down... does it matter?

5:37 pm Sat evening... Amaya was supposed to be here 26 hours ago. I haven't really slept, I don't feel good, I've been up worrying all night. Her sister picked up her phone an hour ago and told me to call right back and Amaya would explain. I called back a couple minutes later and I'm back to square one with noone picking up her phone. All her sister said in response to me asking why they weren't in Chicago was "oh yeah, things didn't work out." Yeah, no shit sherlock, but what the fuck happened. I was told "Oh, I'll let Amaya explain everything to you after she gets out of the shower". What do you mean in the shower? She's sitting there taking showers, she hasn't even called to tell me where she is and that she's ok? I'm so confused right now as to why someone would even treat someone else like this... especially one who's been nothing but nice.

I managed to fall asleep I think for about 2 hours last night. It was the best 2 hours of this horrible week so far. I had a dream about Amaya. I dreamt that we were at her house perhaps in her dining room or den. There was sunlight shining in through the huge bay window onto the table where I was sitting. She was busy running around the dining room just doing little things. Everytime she would walk past me, I would glance up without her knowing because I liked to see the sunlight reflect off of her blond hair. After she would pass I would take a deep breath in anticipation of her trailing scent. She was wearing fitting white workout pants and a gray tee-shirt with her hair down. Despite everything that I have described so far, what made this dream so memorable was the fact that the room was filled with love. It was an intense energy that you could feel all around you. And the closer she got to me, the stronger you could sense it, to the point where if she was standing next to me, I felt I was going to burst into a million pieces. We didn't say one thing to one another but in the dream, I kept thinking this is the best I've ever felt in my life... this is what love is supposed to be about. An uncontrollable force that when two people share it, you feel invincible. Everything stood out and seemed so bright. Even the grain of the wood table appeared to jump out at me. As she leaned over next to me to shuffle throught some papers, her light blond hair would fall from behind her ear and gently dangle in the air just enough for the sunlight to hit it just right so it would reflect with star like qualities. I reached out to touch her b/c I couldn't take it anymore and that's where everything instantly went black. As intense as the feelings I was experiencing just moments before, they drained out of me and my eyes opened. I sat up in my bed as the reality of my world set in. All the pain, anxiety, depression, confusion, exhaustion filled me once again. I tried calling her. Nothing. No messages, no anything. I wanted to cry but didn't. I began to feel that she didn't call b/c she didn't care, she was trying to hurt me, she wanted to see if she could kill me... it's those reasons that I couldn't cry. I could never let myself do it if I knew someone might be trying to hurt me, I would never give them the satisfaction.

This week has not been good. My brother won't return my calls or messages, my uncle is still recovering from his stroke, I found out that Inese got married in less than a year since we broke up, I told one of my good friends, Jenny Wis, that we shouldn't keep in contact anymore and now this.

I just wanted the feeling from my dream back. I didn't know it was possible to feel that good. Do you think when you die, you just go into a dream like state like that? I don't want my life to continue this way anymore. Do you just dream forever?

I have to go now.