Sat Shit

I just got home tonight. All I've wanted to do for most of tonight was to jot down some things that I've been thinking about. I'm tired and I think I've had a little too much to drink b/c I can't concentrate. Ideas running through my head all night. I can't focus on any one of them for all that long.

What shit, that's all it is.

What does it mean? When does it end?

A girl and a guy staring into each others eyes. They start to kiss. I drink a vodka tonic. I look around. People bobbing their heads drinking Miller Lite. Why can't I have a good time? Why do I feel constantly tormented? Is it b/c I'm watching a U2 cover band where the singer actually thinks he's Bono? Is it b/c of sexual frustration? Is it b/c I've lost hope? Is it b/c I hate everything that I'm about? What's going on with me? The girl and guy, in love. At least for this moment they are. I feel like I'm looking at something that I shouldn't be allowed to see. I have a taste, I know how special it can be, I know that I belong there instead of playing wingman to Nick who's on the constant search of getting laid weekend after weekend.

Swifty almost got pushed off a table and all I wanted to do was clear the entire bar. Why was he dancing on tables to begin with? He was having fun and it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. What's gotten into me? I wasn't like this. I don't want to think like this. I don't like what I've become. My doctor told me to call a psychologist friend of his, he sees major signs of depression. I think he's concerned that I might do something. Would I? I don't know, maybe he's onto something. I wear this fake grin on my face all the time. I smile for everyone when I don't really care.
She doesn't care.

Why does she get so much importance?

I don't know. Time will tell soon. It's coming down to the end or hopefully, the beginning.

She says things without thinking about them.

I hurt all the time and I don't know why. She said that she may have been in love with her ex up until Dec. She lied to me, why? Was it her ex that was there for her when she cried relentlessly when Roderick died? Who was it that put the time in to care, to listen, to love her with everything that's happened? I was there. I don't even ask for anything in return. Correction, I asked her to be here next weekend. I feel bad for even asking. Why would I feel like that? I need her now, I don't have the support group that she does. I don't know anyone else who's been in my position. I get treated like shit. I get taken advantage of b/c I let myself be there. It is my fault.

Why do I hate those striped shirts so much? Why can't I stand pop culture? Why do I feel like everyone around me lies? Why am I not sure who I can trust? Nothing seems real anymore. I feel like I'm in this delusional, bad reality tv show. Everything feels like a script, except there's no happy ending.

Thinking. Hurting. Escaping all the time.

Love? Where?

Stunning dreams every night.

All I've wanted since meeting her was to love her and to be loved by her. The deeper I get into this, the more distant the reality becomes that I will end up with her. I fight it b/c I want this more than anything. The fact of the matter is that she could hurt you. Am I prepared for that? How can you ever prepare yourself to get hurt by someone you love. I don't think that's possible. Would she do that? I really hope to God she never would.

They say that I might not be able to go on. They say that I'm going to break but I still keep going b/c I need to take the shot. She'll make it. They don't know her like I know her. They say it's not healthy. They say it could destroy you. They say that I'm kidding myself. They say I might not make it to the other side. They could be absolutely right.