Things that make me so angry I want to poop...

1. Chicago club scene - Fucking pretentious people have taken all the fun out of it. The go-go dancers aren't even good anymore, they can barely dance, although, I don't know if that's b/c they can't or they just have a half pound of powder shoved up their nose. And no one dances or has fun, they just sit there, bounce a little and try to look like they have some mysterious edge while drinking their $15 Red Bull/Vodka. Fucking posers.

2. White people who act like black people, but only when they are around black people -
Example...
-Chazz the Office White Guy: Hey Earl (white guy), how ya' doing, dude? -- Chazz uses dude everyday, all the time
-Chazz the Office White Guy: (this time talking to Andre the Black Guy and steppin up the attitude in his tone) Yo Andre, what's up brutha man? Gimme some. (holds out hand for a low five)
-- Am I way off here? I don't think so, look for it, it's hilarious. You'll probably find it more in places like Naperville... oh, that's right, there are no black people in Naperville, just a bunch of white people who care a little too much about their lawn.

3. Roller backpacks - Really shows how lazy fat people can be

4. People who own Tivos - And how they look at people without Tivos like they have lepracy

5. Breast implants - Seriously, I've had my fair share, most of them are not all that great. However I still encourage obnoxiously large breasts at any cost.

6. Bums who interrupt me on the phone to ask me for change - alright, maybe that statement was a tad yuppie but fuck it, I don't bother you when you're on the phone... if... you... had... a... phone... ok, just forget it.

7. Bums who want to fight b/c I don't want to give them money - 90 lb dickheads trying to get that fix, I'll push that fucking crackpipe up your nose through your brain if you're not careful. Especially this one who used to hang out on North/Damen/Milwaukee, man, that guy used to pick me out of a crowd everytime.

8. Fantasy football - During football season, this is all guys can talk about no matter where you are or what you're doing, it's fucking annoying... "oh, who are you starting for your Wide Receiver this week?" -- "Uhhh yeah, go fuck yourself"

9. Plumbers crack - Just clean it up, man

10. Your mom

11. Pop culture - Isn't it obvious? Laguna Beach, My Super Sweet 16, the 5 million bands out there that suck donkey balls, the WB with all those suck shows... who the fuck needs Tivo, there's nothing to watch unless you're recording the Golden Girls (god, what I would do to Blanche... it has to be illegal in most countries)

12. The candy pushers at work -- it's someone bday over here and everyone on this side of the floor actually made something to bring in, of course it's all sweets like you could stand to gain another 25 lbs. At this pace, they'll be roller backpack worthy in no time.

13. Shameless Advertising - Turnstyles on the el, cmon Geico, gimme a break!

14. The guys in the bathroom at work - Not only do a lot of them snub the hand washing part of the process, but I think about 75% of them either bring the paper in the stall with them or even work. That's fucking disgusting. I don't want you to hand me any manilla folders with your poo fingers all over them.