I Ride the Pain Train Everyday

Bad mood today. I'm really not liking my new job all that much. I don't quite fit in with the people over here and they're always trying to get me to eat. I just ate lunch, I don't want any frickin' popcorn, gawd! <-- said in my best Napoleon Dynamite voice I need to shed a few pounds and all these crazy women around here keep trying to stuff my face. Keep your muffins on your side, thank you.

I think I'm just tired, that's why I'm crabby today. Tiff came over and gave me a haircut last night. This is even after she had a hit&run car accident yesterday. So that was really cool, especially since it turned out so well. Then we went to Bob San for dinner. Pan seared scallops over there is one of the best apps in the city. But we didn't get out of there until about 12:30. She slept over so we didn't get to bed until sometime after 1. Ugh, feel so tired today. Plus I was a couple lbs up on the scale this morning which should come as no surprise considering I ate a huge meal right before bed. But I'm sure that's what has me down most of all.

Guilty pleasure and definite weakness = The Real World. Jesus, I'm such a bitch when it comes to that show. I didn't even start watching any of them until after I was out of college b/c of my one roomie at that time. Thanks, Hokey. Now I don't miss an episode. And that Melinda girl from WI on Austin's cast is the hottest thing ever. And I'm not only talking for looks, I'm talking attitude and personality as well. I love the free spirit girl with the genuine heart. Sometimes there's points where she shows a lack of confidence but that's understandable considering she had just broke up with her long-term bf. Now that guy is the biggest idiot I know letting her go. They showed a pic of him as well on the show... yeah man, say good bye to the best looking piece of ass you're ever going to see. He was overachieving to start off with her. Now she's seeing that Danny guy or something. They'll probably end up together. He doesn't seem so bad but he's really been using that eye thing to get some extra attention from Melinda.

Some fucker did that to me once. Well, let me explain. I had this huge crush on this girl for a long time. I had put in years just to get to know her, we should have ended up together but didn't. I'm convinced this situation had a big part to do with it b/c it was never the same b/w us after the fact, even though we remained friends for a couple months longer. So this guy, we'll call him P, has a crush on the same girl as I do. This is Jr year of highschool mind you. We're pretty much neck and neck for awhile. I started to pull ahead with this girl since I had known her since 4th grade, I mean, c'mon there was a lot of history there. I was actually friends with this guy but I have a feeling that he only became friends with me to get closer to her. So he sees that she's starting to lose interest in him, plus she turned him away on a few occasions. So he gets all depressed. What does this fucker do next? He calls me and Mary up one schoolnight and says how he can't live anymore and he doesn't sound that well to boot like he's already done something. So Mary rushes over, picks me up in the car and we drive to this kids house. His parents are sitting in the living room and we have to tell them that we think their kid has tried to kill himself. These people have never even seen us before. So the dad runs upstairs with us behind him only to find his son in the middle of the floor with an empty bottle of pills next to him. He picks him up by his arm and slaps him across the face to try to wake him up until the ambulance gets there. It was one of the worst nights of my life. Within the course of the next few days, while in the hospital, she falls for him. I think b/c he said that not having her had a lot to do with why he tried to snuff himself. Are you fucking kidding me? He played it up well. He was definitely willing to do what I wasn't to get her. But what a loser, at least I have some pride. Needless to say, they broke up a couple months later. It didn't matter by that point, her and I were on rocky terms and our friendship ended pretty abruptly as well. I was tired of the guys that she went out with, they were all scumbags. I was her best friend who was in love with her and I had to stand by and watch every guy treat her like shit. Back then, I was small and had no confidence. I was scared to say something b/c I didn't want to lose her. One day, I played some immature practical joke on her and I think I called her house a million times and hung up everytime someone picked up. That's really weird when I think back on it. I didn't know how to deal with my feelings back then. I didn't know how to express myself and it's the only way I knew how at that time. I was hurt, I didn't know that I was in love, I was confused and I had no one to talk to. I've never spoke to this to anybody. There's not one day that doesn't go by that I don't think about her. I'm not even joking. Everyday since I was 16 and we stopped talking. That was 13 years ago, Jesus, 13 years. I actually looked her up on the internet when I got back from Europe years ago. She was into marathons and staying pretty active. Then a couple years ago, I found out that she had recovered from cancer and that she lived out in AZ with her husband. I thought she would be at the 10 yr reunion but she didn't show. She was the only reason I went. I don't even have any friends really left from highschool so I went there alone to try to find her. It was a disappointment.

Stupid, I didn't even know I was in love with her until years later. What a fool. My mom told me years later that she thought I never had any good relationships b/c I never recovered from Mary. At that point, I reverted back to being my childhood self... scared, quiet, angry. I cut her off from saying anything further. Maybe she was right though... imagine that, a 13 year rebound. I guess weirder things have happened.