Sleepin and Dreamin

I have 3 hours of excruciating class coming up in about a half-hour. So instead of take that time to study, I thought I would do something worth while like an entry. I guess this isn't the attitude I should be taking at this point but I could really give a flying... anyways, moving forward.

So, 4 years ago when I had my first apt in the city, I had this once dream that I'll never forget. I think b/c it's one of the times in my life when I've never felt better. I mean, who would forget something like that? The dream was relatively simple and it's hard to describe the joy of it in words without actually experiencing the feelings. I was older, I think I had to be in my early 30s. It must have been a long day or something b/c I remember being tired. I remember it being nighttime even though I know I never saw outside. It had to be winter too b/c I recall the living room I was in was warm but not in the hot, summer humid way, but in the way when you're comfy in your home during the winter. I was on a big cushiony couch and I was sort of sitting but more slouching down watching tv. I was definitely in a relaxation mode. I remember not thinking anything at that moment, much as the numbness you feel after a hard day of work, pretty much drained.

It's important to mention that my perspective in the dream is looking at myself in the room, much like a movie except I could feel everything that was going on. Then I hear this rustling from the other room. In my dream, it's a familiar noise, I know what it is even though, looking in on yourself as a spectator, you have no idea what could be making that noise. There is a doorway at the far end of the room. It's such a comfortable atmosphere with low light but I can't help but find the noise from the other room distracting even though myself who I'm watching in the dream has no problem with anything. Then from around the corner appears someone so familiar. She was my girl. I couldn't tell if she was my wife or serious girlfriend but I know we lived together. She was shorter than myself, around 5'5", platinum blond hair below her shoulders, brown eyes, beautiful skin and she radiated an energy that was unto herself. She immediately jumps on me on the couch and asks how my day went. I just smile b/c although she appears familiar to me, the me watching me is speechless. She jumps on top of me blocking my view of the tv so that she's facing me. Not that it matters that she's blocking the tv b/c my eyes are only fixated on hers. She aggressively throws her arms around my neck and gives a squeeze that I've never felt before. At that moment, for once in my life, I understood the meaning of unconditional love. She pulls back and smiles at me with her blond hair dropping around my face, almost creating the illusion that just the two of us are in a bright, small room. She kisses me and I kiss her back. In the dream, I am almost crying b/c I've never been so happy in my life. We continue to hold each other for what seems like forever until eventually my dream starts to fade. I wake up with tears in my eyes in my cold, dark room only to come to the realization, as I do every morning, that I don't have that in my life.

I had a dream about a woman who was my one and only. I had a dream about Amaya 3.5 years before I ever actually came in contact with her. I am 99% sure that was her. The similarities are uncanny. I can't even begin to explain it. I've never told that dream to anyone but after V-Day this year, I felt that I needed to write it down. It's been in my mind for some time now. I can suck it up on a lot of things but my feelings were very hurt on Monday. V-Day was a tough one for me to swallow this year.

Alright, off to class...

V-Day #29

Ahhh, another V-Day flying solo in Chicago. I don't know, it's not such a bad thing. On one hand, it would be nice to have someone special to celebrate it with. On the other hand, I don't have to get caught up with the pressure of the holiday to make sure it's something extra special. I have that side in me but it's better to experience it with someone who means a lot to you than just to go through the motions half-heartedly. I ended up cooking up scallops and shrimp in an assortment of spices with shaved lemon and served it over angel hair pasta. I was pretty proud of myself. Actually, last night, I cooked filet mignon served over polenta with a side of sauteed spinach with lemon squeezed over the top. To be honest, it was good but that was my first time preparing polenta and it's not quite what it was like when served in a restuarant. So I still have some work to do on the polenta. Hmmm.... what else? That stupid GMAT has got me down. It's getting more difficult to focus everyday, primarily b/c my life is a mess b/w my work situation, trying to find a new work situation and of course, Amaya... who, by the way, didn't even call on V-Day to wish me anything. You know, I don't ask for much, I really am not a needy person. The couple things I have asked from her and nothing has happened. I ask for the password, takes 2 weeks to give me the wrong one. I ask for a picture, nothing. She said she mailed me something I think last Thursday or Friday, now it's Wednesday and I still haven't received anything. She says she has mono but she's always out. I talk to her for a brief moment last night at 11 her time and she can't talk b/c she's taking care of something. She called me at 2 in the morning on Tuesday morning and I don't even know why, I barely remember speaking to her. All I want is to have things work out b/w us, I would sacrifice everything for her but I don't feel that she feels the same way, although, she says she does. The funny thing is that her words don't depict her actions. In fact, they're quite the opposite. This has all been adding to my confusion lately. I'm tired of this feeling. I pass up a lot of opportunities b/c I want Amaya. Can you believe that one chick sent those bday suit photos of herself on Valentine's Day? She's very brave. That takes a lot of balls and a good amount of trust to hand those over to someone. Well, it was a flattering gesture but I'm hung up on Amaya. Is she a pipe dream? I don't know anymore. All I want her to say is "Eric, I'm flying out to see you this weekend and I don't care what the hell you're doing, you're going to have to make arrangements to see me". I want that to happen and I don't want a call or something to come up where she can't make it. I want that to happen so bad it hurts in the pit of my chest. It hurts every morning when I wake up and it hurts every night when I'm thinking in bed right before I sleep. I hate that feeling. She says she wants to be with me forever, I even came to her and it didn't work. I've done everything I can think of, is there anything left?