I am past my expiration date

I'm really lost these days. I don't know what I'm doing anymore with anything.
The phrase "don't know if I'm coming or going" really applies to my life lately.

3 years ago, one of my best friends killed himself after falsely being accused of raping a woman in the woods while he was out for a jog. He was fired from his job and his family's name smeared across the news. Only after the damage was done, did she come out to admit that it was actually her boyfriend (at the time) and one of his friends that forced themselves on her. Of course, the media did little to repair the name and man that they had destroyed. Unfortunately, not seeing any other course of action while living in such a state of continued despair, he took a walk out into the woods one afternoon and ended it.

2 years ago my buddy from college killed himself in front of my group of friends one night at my friends house.

This year in March, my uncle (who I loved extremely and who I became close with over the past year) killed himself just outside of his house after his 60th birthday.

I am numb and I'm not built for situations like this.

I have been forgotten by the people I considered closest to me.
I'm confused b/c I always thought by being loyal, standing up for what's right and being honest would always lead me to a path of happiness and yet, I have nothing to show for any of it.
I have served my purpose in my relationships.
I am past my expiration date.
I feel used and beaten down.
Behind the smile I wear on my face everyday is nothing. A self inflicted void torn open in my soul by the demons I created.

This is so self loathing but I need to get it out somewhere and here will have to do b/c there's no one left to talk to, that I even want to talk to.

Have you ever imagined what heaven was like?
I hope that heaven is me reliving my first day of college over and over and over. At 11am of that first day of college, I sit down in my first french class. The girl in front of me turns around, smiles and says hi. Her name was Vanessa Hansmann. I only came to find out as we had more classes together, that her personality and intelligence perfectly complimented her striking beauty. She had a smile that could stop time, which it did for me that day.
And simply, that is heaven for me. Getting to relive her turning around, greeting me with a smile. Everything was so new, genuine and exciting that day... her smile encompassed everything about those new experiences. She put it all into perspective for me.

I haven't seen her in 14 years.


God, I miss her.