Blue Monday

It's not really a Blue Monday, I just didn't have anything to really name my entry today and I really like that song. It's been stuck in mind a little bit but thank the Lord it's nothing like that Twisted Sister song was from Road Trip last week.

Today is actually pretty nice in Chicago. It's a little cloudy and cool, should get up to 70 today. This is the weather that I love. Jarmon will point out the warmer the weather gets like yesterday, more girls are out but not only are they out but they're not wearing much either. Which I guess is an upside. Yesterday was a hooch fest around town.

This journal has really helped me to get out many of my thoughts that I never feel all too comfortable to discuss with anyone. I mean, why should I discuss them with others? With some people, you just don't want to be known in a certain light. I don't have anything to hide, well some things that have happened lately I haven't been exactly proud of and won't be discussing with friends but for the most part I'm open anyways. I really don't like the fact that so much of this journal was taken up with A-lya but she was the main focus of my life for 9 months and also the part that I needed to understand the most. Perhaps to justify the situation to myself I wrote it down to make sense of all of it, I have no idea. I just know by writing this down, I will always be able to look back and understand the lessons that I learned through the whole ordeal. I guess the biggest thing that bothers me right now that all that I've been through with her and I know she isn't even thinking about this. She really doesn't care at all which I guess is the most perplexing thing about her for someone who claims how much she constantly cares about people. Correction E, she may care for others, not you. The move was an easy transition for her, I was never physically in her life and she needed that to make it real. Once she crossed that bridge, it would have been harder to turn her back so easily. Although, this is granting the fact that everything she said was real but at this point, who knows what's real with her and what's not. It hurts to say you can't trust someone who you would have done anything for. Who would rather run away than deal with her problems straight up. But that's not the person that I'm supposed to be with. I guess it's easier to take that route when mom and dad hold the umbrella over you that sheilds you from the real world. And you never have to take responsibility for anything b/c you know that they'll save you and maybe you'll even get a shopping spree out of it. It's ironic though, the only thing that keeps happening to her that her parents can't shield her from is tragedy (if it's all true which I can't imagine why anyone would lie about). And b/c there isn't a job or any responsibility in her life, those situations become dwelled on to the point where it becomes difficult to function a normal life. Isn't that fucked up? All I tried to provide was normality, all I tried to build was something substantial but it didn't work. It's ok though, some people just have to deal with their own things or lies or whatever it is on their own time. It was too bad that I didn't flip the switch sooner. I knew for a long time that this would probably be the way it ended but I just wanted to really try to make it work. A no holds barred match to the finish against myself. At first, I felt like a loser and now... well, I don't exactly feel like a winner out of everything but I feel a lot better. There was no winner that could have been determined in this contest. I guess another bad thing on her end will she will remain unhappy, most likely for a very long time. If you go into situations that fearful of the outcome, your life will remain a hollow existence.

But hey, I have my own issues with things and this was just adding to the heap of crap in my life. Wow, have I met some characters over the past couple years, it really is amazing when I think about it. I guess it's important to keep some kind of perspective that this is the sick world that I was put in and it's my job to deal with it myself. I can blame whomever and whatever, but ultimately I control what happens in my life.

Back to work.