Same Weird Shite, New Year

I'm really trying hard to keep my cool these days. I've been trying to make a more assertive effort into positive mental state of mind. However, when you wake up one day, drudge through the morons on the el, rush your ass to get to work, and then you come to read about how Patrick Swayze is working on a rap single, how can you have much faith in anything? Honestly, it is enough to piss me off to no end but I'm going to let the anger melt away. Serenity now.

Onto NYE... first year not having a party in awhile. Despite the wear and tear on the place, I think we may have made a mistake b/c where I ended up that night, I wouldn't have wished it on my worst enemy.

New Year's was really poor but since I knew that going in, it was no big deal. Granted, I had friends around which made it almost bearable but it's really hard to believe that I actually tossed out money to go to... and get ready for this... Murphy's Bleachers across from Wrigley. Yes, I know. And you may start making fun of me at any point in time. Of all the people I've made fun of in the blogging community, there's your chance to hit me right back handed to you on a silver platter. Of course true satisfaction would have been if you could have seen my face, fixed in a relatively disgusted and constipated look the entire night. Can't wait to see the pictures.

So I spent the majority of the evening talking to my brother in a corner and trying to be around the least amount of people possible. As midnight approached, I couldn't help but notice some of the native Wrigleyville heffers looking at me with the same appetite that they had just looked at the plate of mozzarella sticks that they had inhaled just moments earlier. Seeing that danger was imminent in my current position and staying there would have ensured me having my face sucked off with saliva that had chunks of deep fry batter fishsticks mixed with Bud Light, I buried myself deep within my group of friends where I knew I couldn't be violated.

The only girl I would have considered getting on was the one who wanted the world to see her 36 double d's. I never thought there could ever be such a thing as too much cleavage until I saw this girl... it's weird for me to say b/c I am a boob connoisseur. And it wasn't the boobs or the way that she had fried herself in the tanning booth for a couple hours everyday for the past week or the 5 pounds of makeup that she applied to her leathery skin or how she talked with every guy that walked by her or the Chipotle burritos that she was hiding in each of her saddle bags or her worn down look that screams I'm-proud-that-I-fucked-the-entire-football-in-highschool-and-at-my-community-college that wanted to make me fuck her... no, it wasn't those at all... it was the belt that she had on. It had an electronic stock ticker message going across it that scrolled across the belt in red lettering "Happy New Year". It was just about the sweetest thing I had ever seen. And despite all those bad things I just said, I couldn't help when I looked at her to imagine fucking her with that belt tied around her forehead... and then cumming on it... of course. As you may or may not know, cumming on things is cool.

I ditched that place at around 1:30 with my bro and headed back to my place for a potential after hours. Not many people came which was fine with me. The roomie brought back some winners though. This one guy didn't even look wasted but he was standing at my bar and out of nowhere crashed on the ground like the floor was made of banana peels, then tried to stand up quickly and act like nothing happened. He wasn't even going to acknowledge it until I called him out. This happened just as a I was talking to Ms. Personality (the girl winner that my roomie brought home as well). Our conversation went a little like this...
Me: So do you live around here? (very lame opener, I know, but I was just trying to make conversation and not deal with the guy who just fell on his fucking head)
MsP: Yeah, over at North and Halsted
Me: Oh, that's cool, have you been over to the Landmark yet, I've heard some pretty good things about it (yeah, I have no fucking clue how the Landmark is, I just happened to read an article about it a couple days prior)
MsP: You know, I'm not sure I know where that is.
Me: Huh, I thought it was right there (what, are you fucking stupid?)
MsP: It could be
Me: So do you head over to Steppenwolf at all to catch any shows?
MsP: (in weird, confused face) What's that?
Me: It's the theatre that's on North and Halsted (maybe if you took your head out of your ass for 2 seconds you would notice the big fucking sign that takes up the one side of the street)
MsP: Wha?
Me: Yeah, you know... plays, performances, theater (I can tell nothing's going in)
MsP: Well, I'm not that good with directions (I bet kindergarten wasn't any picnic either)
Me: What does that have to do with directions? Wait, how long have you lived over there?
MsP: 2 1/2 years
Me: (after I picked my jaw off the ground, I said as politely as I could bear to) Well, as stimulating as it's been talking to you, I'm going to go make myself a drink... and don't worry, I'm going to stay by the bar.

I really think she has been the most clueless person to ever walk through the doors of my place. What's even better is that she didn't even hook up with my roommate. Not good for him but it just confuses me more on why she would even come over to begin with. Outside of my brief conversation with her as I could feel her suck the IQ out of my brain for the 30 secs that we spoke, she didn't say another word the entire 4 hours she was there. Just weird.

Then later the guy that had fallen down from a seemingly sober standstill, was talking about what he was going to do tomorrow and in one fluid motion, finished it off by yelling "First down!" and pointed the opposite way he was facing. It was the most bizarre and hilarious thing I had seen in a long time... but then I got scared b/c I knew I had entered Crazy Land.

A few minutes thereafter, my roommate told the same story 5 times. And then my buddy's girlfried announced to everyone that she was going to have my buddy's children someday, that she wanted him to fuck her in the ass that night, and that she wanted a Vera Wang dress for the wedding (they're not engaged by the way). I have to admit, he handled it pretty cool. And she is way cool so I gave her a break b/c I knew she was sauced. It was still very uncomfortable b/c she was very adamant on continuing with that conversation when you know everyone was like, someone please change the subject.

I did learn what Lock N Load was that night. I had never heard of this so maybe I'm just the naive one. Instead of swallowing or snorting a pill of ecstasy, you stick in your ass and it's supposed to be amazing. When my buddy's girl said this, I died laughing... mainly b/c Lock N Load is such a sweet name for something so entirely stupid. Images of someone in the bathroom bent over, drawers around ankles sticking a mercedes pill in their ass and saying "lock n load" as they did it just appeared pretty damn funny to me. Although, I was pretty surprised that I was one of the few who had never heard of that. Oh well, I was glad to learn something new so early in the year.

More to come on my break at a later time.