I am past my expiration date

I'm really lost these days. I don't know what I'm doing anymore with anything.
The phrase "don't know if I'm coming or going" really applies to my life lately.

3 years ago, one of my best friends killed himself after falsely being accused of raping a woman in the woods while he was out for a jog. He was fired from his job and his family's name smeared across the news. Only after the damage was done, did she come out to admit that it was actually her boyfriend (at the time) and one of his friends that forced themselves on her. Of course, the media did little to repair the name and man that they had destroyed. Unfortunately, not seeing any other course of action while living in such a state of continued despair, he took a walk out into the woods one afternoon and ended it.

2 years ago my buddy from college killed himself in front of my group of friends one night at my friends house.

This year in March, my uncle (who I loved extremely and who I became close with over the past year) killed himself just outside of his house after his 60th birthday.

I am numb and I'm not built for situations like this.

I have been forgotten by the people I considered closest to me.
I'm confused b/c I always thought by being loyal, standing up for what's right and being honest would always lead me to a path of happiness and yet, I have nothing to show for any of it.
I have served my purpose in my relationships.
I am past my expiration date.
I feel used and beaten down.
Behind the smile I wear on my face everyday is nothing. A self inflicted void torn open in my soul by the demons I created.

This is so self loathing but I need to get it out somewhere and here will have to do b/c there's no one left to talk to, that I even want to talk to.

Have you ever imagined what heaven was like?
I hope that heaven is me reliving my first day of college over and over and over. At 11am of that first day of college, I sit down in my first french class. The girl in front of me turns around, smiles and says hi. Her name was Vanessa Hansmann. I only came to find out as we had more classes together, that her personality and intelligence perfectly complimented her striking beauty. She had a smile that could stop time, which it did for me that day.
And simply, that is heaven for me. Getting to relive her turning around, greeting me with a smile. Everything was so new, genuine and exciting that day... her smile encompassed everything about those new experiences. She put it all into perspective for me.

I haven't seen her in 14 years.


God, I miss her.

Long Night

I met up with V yesterday afternoon at about 4:30. She was looking yummy even with her arm all busted up. Poor thing fell at Level the week before and broke her wrist. She's a dangerous girl to like b/c she's a ton of fun and I think probably attracts a lot of guys attention... that, and she also has a rack from holy hell.

So here's how Friday went down...
1. Margaritas at La Hacienda
2. Back to my place for a cocktail
3. Walked over to Moonshine
4. Headed to Happy Village
5. She said she had to head home b/c she was tired so I got her in a cab and went to Club Foot
6. Bro met me up there and we headed to Innertown Pub
7. Line was too long for pool so we walked over to Easy Bar
8. Place closed so we went to Evil Olive (Old Four) -- still sucks
9. Pasaditas for burritos -- ordered Ultimate Burrito. It was the size of my leg. Hit Bro with Ultimate Burrito. Ate 1/8th of it. Passed out.

"You broke my pussy"

Yeeeeeeah, that's what she said. That's what she said after I pounded it for 6 hours. So she was old enough to be my aunt. She was a wild woman and I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it. It was surprising since I nearly drank a bottle of vodka before truly declaring jihad on her crotch.

So the line was broken out the next morning when Mr. Happy decided to wake up a little before me and gave me the nudge that it was time to go. When I tried to start things up, that's when she said "you broke my pussy". She physically wasn't able to do it. Believe me, we tried... but it wasn't happening. Poor thing.

That's also where another line was said that was actually quite complimentary. She said in her tired state... "your cock belongs in movies". LOL

Perhaps a new career path for me to consider. Yeah right.

What's nice about this situation is that she's going next month to get a boob job. More specifically, she's getting DD's. It will be nice to have that before and after fucking session. I've never got to have a before and after with a woman who got her chest done. Did I say done? I meant improved.

Eat your porrage and drink your juice

I don't know why that's my title, I heard someone say it this week and for some reason, I laugh everytime I hear it.

Sunday night was the Bears game. Buddy came over and we drank a bunch of Capn n cokes, then went to the bar afterwards to play soom pool. The poor people we played sucked major donkey balls. And after they were done, I gave them some tips on how to play better... in fact, that sounds shitty of me to say it like that... it was actually an entire session of sitting with them at the table for about 1/2 hour explaining how to hold the stick and follow through. It was refreshing to see people who actually didn't thought they knew everything and were open to learning. My partner ended up leaving and I stuck around waiting for some games. I got a couple bites and then Cass called.

Holy shit, I should have never picked up the phone b/c she ended up meeting me at the bar I was at. She was crying b/c the guy she was dating was actually married. She acted like she was upset but let me tell you that this girl has never been honest once to me so that this actually happened to her just seems like karma to me. In addition, she was saying how in love she was with the guy but later tells me in a different conversation about some other guys she was sleeping with within the last couple months. Looks like she got over mister man in the matter of 20 min. Nice rebound.

Well, speaking of rebounds, it was looking like since I was going to be the shoulder to cry on, that I also going to be that evening's rebound. I mean, c'mon, the girl was upset for all over 37 minutes, this girl obviously needed some loving. Well, typically, I would love to accomodate a damstrell in distress, especially with a girl that has one of the best set of melons that I have ever seen. But... and I mean a big BUT... this girl is crazier than a shithouse frat.

She did stay over at my place that night. There was a little makeout until I remembered how fucked up this girl was in the head. For example, she wanted me to spank her. Of course, I love administering a good spanking. But with this girl, I gave a couple swings and she starts crying. Of course I stopped and then she told to keep going... then she began hitting me b/c I wouldn't do it again. That's so fucked up. She basically wanted to pretend she was being taken advantage of or molested... I don't know. It fucked me up the whole week. Is that what it's really come to in my life? That is, chicks like this? God, I hope not.

I wish that girl I went to the Bulls game with was interested in me. Rebecca. She could be interested in me one day but not now.

Friday night, I stayed in. My roommate came home with Meg at about 12:30 so I went to hang with them at the bar. Then these other girls came over. 3 of them... all completely hot. I got into a good conversation with one of them. She seemed intelligent. This girl orinally from Zambia. She looked like a mix of black, indian, and white. She was very beautiful. They stayed until 7 am. I left it cool, didn't ask for a number or anything. Sat night, they come over to preparty. My roommate was drunk from being out all day and he was going to a club with them that night. I still decided to stay in last night. However, I did burn a dvd for the Zambian girl b/c it was a part of our conversation from the night before and I told her I would do it. I gave it to her. They took off for the club soon thereafter. They even came back after the club for after hours but I was in bed. I went up there when I woke up in the morning only to discover she left the dvd there. What a bitch. Now she probably forgot it but then again, I really don't think she cared all that much that I did that for her. I didn't do it b/c I wanted to hook up with her or ask her out... I did it b/c I said I would and I thought it was a nice gesture. And for whatever reason, it really pisses me off that she left it there. And I really think that these 3 girls are hanging out with my roommate b/c he probably doesn't let them buy a drink when they're out and the amount of blow they do just from him is most likely ridiculous. Just greedy whores. It's the standard these days. It's a shame.

Weekend Recap

Friday:
-Played Tripoley and Texas Hold Em until 3 am. I won so at least it was worth staying up late.

Saturday:
-Wedding
-Went with a blind date... ballsy move by me and it sort of paid off
-I say sort of b/c she got along with the people fine, she looked pretty good but she didn't like me
-That was the least of my worries since I was spending most of my time with my friends
-Took blind date b/c I thought the wedding was next week and my date had a housewarming party planned for yesterday
-My date really thought she was the shit and typically I would knock a girl down a couple notches for being like that but she got a break b/c she stepped up to go to this thing with me
-Even though she was pretty high on herself, she was wearing the orange clown makeup face that you could see the outline by her ears and below her jawline
-She made me go out with her afterwards, I didn't want to go especially b/c it was just me and her
-It didn't make any sense either b/c she wasn't into me
-At the bar, I sat there while she was just drunk -- at least there were other hot girls there that I just imagined fucking the entire time
-Went to that housewarming party after that
-Saw the original girl I was supposed to go to the wedding with playing kissy face with some homo
-And I'm serious when I say that, this guy is only kidding himself if he thinks he's straight
-Then, he kept grabbing my other friends ass thinking he was funny
-I subtly explained to him that there might be a problem if he did it again
-It stopped
-My friends and I left there at about 4
-Went home and made pizza
-Jerked off

Sunday:
-Jerked off twice
-Watched Bears get killed
-Jerked off 3 more times
-Pretty bored
-Want to watch movie with someone and just lay around

Deep Thoughts Bitches

You'll never hear a black person say "You know, I love the Breakfast Club".

Weekend Recap and Past Revisited

Friday -- stayed in and watched horror movies. I actually wished I had someone to watch those with but getting anyone to come over to do that wasn't going so well.

Saturday:
1. Ran charity event, it exceeded expectations, I will free Timmy from his cage in the basement and get the clamps removed from his testicles, I did some good and I felt good
2. Lots of fine women came to the event. It made me extremely happy why I worked the door. It would have made me happier if the bartender from downstairs gave me some lovin.
3. I went out afterwards with friends. My friend Heather asked if it would be ok to make out with my brother. I didn't know I wielded that kind of power. I told her I don't care which is true. However, she is building herself quite the hit list of my friends and now my family. What is she up to now?... Nate, Pat, Paul and now Mike. That's four down. She's averaging one per each time she hangs out with me when I have a group of friends around. It's sort of funny but she just better not make shit weird for me.
4. Left abruptly from bar. Fatigue hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't think my group was happy about that.
5. Ate burrito
6. Passed out at around 4

Sunday:
1. Played penny tripoley with the fam back OP.
2. Came home, watched more horror movies.

Today:
1. Got informal offer for job. Will be made VP in 3 months.
2. Got email when I returned from meeting for job that said a person I know (one I consider a friend) is trying to block me from getting the position.
3. Small man with a big ego. Long story, pissed that I have to deal with this right now.
4. Emily sent me text... Here's how the following text convo went verbatim...

Emily - I haven't heard from you in a long time. Hope everything is grand.

Me - Well, it's because I really don't like you. Everything is grand.

Emily - Interesting revalation (took me a couple minutes to figure out that was
supposed to be 'revelation'). Glad to hear everything is A-Ok.

Me - I can't believe you call 4 months of not talking a revelation. Not only are you
ignorant, but you're acting like an idiot.

Emily - Good to talk to you too. Take care.

Me - Later skater

Honestly, this chick is one dumb bitch. This is the same girl who acted like my girlfriend everytime we hung out in the spring, then breaks the news to me the night before my birthday this year that we're just friends. Fine, I can handle that, that's not what makes me so pissed. Then she shows up to my birthday, tries to monopolize my time by dragging me into rooms to talk while I am trying to host 100 peple at my place. She gives me King Tut tickets that we can go see at the Field Museum in July which was a really nice gesture. Then she continues on with how I am the best guy in the world and blah, blah, blah.

During the next month before the Tut outing, she's calling me at 6 am every Friday and Saturday b/c she wants to party. There were several times that she couldn't even put words together. She would wander down the streets of Chicago calling me to come over. And here's the kicker, she was dating someone. In fact, it was a UFC fighter who had never won a match. She would come over to my place (because he was in training, for what, I don't know) and act like a drunk idiot. And she wouldn't even hook up, she would just sleepover. Now as much as I love when people treat my home like a halfway house, this really wasn't going to fly.

Now we're at Sat morning, the morning of our Tut outing. I call her up ready to go. She tells me 1 hour beforehand that she would rather reschedule. She sounded like shit... probably out partying all night. Fine but I tell her to call me that day to tell me when we're going to reschedule since she has to call the museum to do all of this. She doesn't call back for over a week. What a bitch. So when she calls, I sort of let her have it but not even about the Tut thing. I told her that her calling me up at 6 am to come crash at my place wasn't going to work unless she was going to fuck. She was caught a little off guard so I reiterated it for her.

"Next time you want to come crash or hang out at my place that late at night, you better be ready to spread your legs"

She never called again and I was happy.

Barker's Beauties and Stepford Dreams

For whatever reason, The Price Is Right plagues my thoughts lately. It's like a Venga Boys song that's stuck in my head and no matter what I do, I just can't stop hearing "We, like, to party... We like, we like to party... da du da du da duu duu... da du da du da duu duu" you know the rest. (Note: do you know how fucking long it took me to do those da/du things I just wrote down?)

I think my life would be extraordinarily better if I was married to a Price is Right girl. After she was finished making my breakfast, she could present it to me with a pearly white smile and waving arms all over the place. Even when I asked to pass the syrup, she could present it to me in the only way she knows... holding it on her palm, her other arm of course waving all over the product. It would even be nice to install a few retractable walls in my place just so she would feel more comfortable.

Gabrielle Tuite is my perfect Stepford Price is Right girl. Some may ask, "Vagina Terrorist, why would you want a Stepford Wife, a woman who can't think for herself?". My response of course would be "Well, when most women think, they end up screwing shit up anyway so I think all parties involved would be better off with my alternative".

Oh don't boo me yet girls... I may talk a tough game but lets face reality... unless men learn to detach their corndogs from their bodies, women will most likely always have the upper hand.

The Price is Right

While I thought about jerking off to the girls on the Price is Right this morning, I attempted a little experiment. Needless to say, people act like complete jerkoffs on there with all the jumping around and what not. But to exaggerate that fact, I turned my tv on mute and then watched it for a couple minutes. The sounds of that show really encourage the douchebaggery of the contestants. When you don't have sound, it really makes these people look like complete idiots. They contort their bodies and faces and dance around with those shit eating grins on their faces.

I suggest all to try it. It's good for a few laughs.

I have to admit something

I am helplessly addicted to Flavor of Love. I know, I'm a bad person.

The Croc Hunter

I usually don't get phased by too much... unless it's the highschool girls down the street making fun of me b/c of my beanie hat that parade around town... little bitches. However, I found myself in a moment of reflection when I heard that the Steve the Croc hunter got lanced in the heart from a stingray and couldn't pull through. It just fucking sucks when you hear about a tough fuck like that moving on to the other side. Especially in a time and society where real don't exist. All there are a bunch of fucking paper pushing desk jockeys whose only game consists of flashing their (insert mercedes or bmw series here) car keys. Their only motivation is to fuck some money grubbing whore by winning them over by buying them enough cosmos to the point where it actually seems like he has a good personality.

It's a shame when genuine passion dies. Steve's kind is an endangered species of man. R.I.P.

It's Been Awhile

Holy Shit! It's been awhile. Labor Day has passed and I still do not have a position, despite the "hot" market. I was about to accept at another bank downtown when I got a call yesterday that they just went on a hiring freezed for an undetermined amount of time. I'm so damned pissed off about it.

So the summer for the most part has been relaxing, a little too relaxing. I think I put on a good 10 lbs with all the bbq'ing, late night partying and generally lazier than usual lifestyle. Now that summer is winding down, I've put myself on a strict diet regiment. Who knew throwing up in Campbell soup cans could make the weight melt away... and I never feel hungry! So no one wants to make out with me b/c my breath smells like a baby shit out partly digested sweet tarts. Holy shit, I even felt myself gag a little on that description.

Things that have been on my mind lately or what I've been doing:
1. Jeremy Piven (b/c I just started watching Entourage) - when did he get all that hair? Did he always have that? When you get popular, does it make your hair grow?
2. And why we're on it, didn't that fucker used to be named Pivens? I could have sworn he had that 's' on the end of his name when he starred in the classic feature, PCU. No matter, I still love the guy.
3. I have watched Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy more times than I would like to admit and I hate myself for it.
4. My mom displayed "toe shields" to my friends at the lakehouse this weekend. This is tinfoil used to protect your pedies from bug spray that will remove any nail polish. The question still remains: My mom... mad woman or clever genius? It looks completely ridiculous but whatever works I guess.
5. American women who leave the U.S. to live in Canada are most likely nuttier than a shit house frat.
6. I taught myself backgammon.
7. My roommate got a girlfriend. That's great for him, but he hangs out with her every night... it's a little weird. I've never been like that with any girl I've dated.
8. This entry blows, I had so much to say and now I can't remember. Give me some time peeps, I'll get back in my groove.

I'm watching Apocolypse Now Redux and it's the extended part with the playmates. Let me just say... Lonely Playmates + Acid = Amazing Times. Chef calling that girl by Miss December b/c he doesn't know her name and then her correcting him by saying she's Miss May is priceless. I wish I was having crazy bird sex right now.

"Who are you?"
"Oh, I'm next, ma'am"
Fucking gold, Larry Fishburn!

Highlights from the summer:
1. Turned 30
2. Lots of lakehouse trips
3. Cathy trippin' on bluff rules
4. Nick's party - Mike was off the hook
5. Rooftop movies
6. Learned how to burn DVDs - I think I've burned about 150 so far -- I know, DORK
7. Partied way too much at beginning of summer
8. Saw the bartender in St. Joe
9. Ruined my relationship with the bartender from St. Joe -- she was boring in the sack anyway
10. Don't talk to Emily anymore -- I date one of her "friends" now, her friends don't even contact her anymore b/c she hogs all the attention when they go out
11. Landscaped the backyard
12. Landscaped the rooftop - those plants are all pretty much dead by now
13. Interviewed with too many recruiters that overpromise and underdeliver
14. Got hooked on Nanogreens
15. Purposely wore the same going out outfit for the entire summer to see if anyone would say anything... they didn't. I don't know what to think about that.
16. Sort of seeing someone right now... don't know how I feel about that. I should really like her and I do but I'm not gaga. I think my job situation right now has got me in a weird place.
17. I know someone who got thrown in jail for calling the Secret Service and threatening to kill the president, the vice pres, his wife and my aunt. Are you fucking kidding me? He's fucking creepy and comes as no surprise.

I'm done for now.

The 15 item catch up list

1. I resigned from my position at a top investment firm and now I am happy.
2. Bisexual women are bigger cockblocks than any guy could ever be.
3. Princess cancelled on me last second for the wedding tomorrow.
4. It was actually my fault b/c I originally told her the wrong date and now she can't get off of work at Rockit.
5. Movies on the rooftop started last week. There's also something about watching porn outside from your hottub that just seems like you're cheating life.
6. I woke up at 4 am this morning and masturbated 5 times before I got ready for work. I rock.
7. My roommate and I were so fucked up last weekend I think we talked about double teaming a chick that was over. Funny thing is that would have happened in her babysitting friend wasn't there. In retrospect, I'm glad her friend was there.
8. I was so fucked up the other weekend. How fucked up you ask? I had 2 naked chicks in my hottub at 4 am and I decide that's the time to go get more cigarettes, I actually thought the one girl wanted some. I arrived at the gas station wearing a skully, blue tinted sunglasses and a tie wrapped around my head. After I bought the cigarettes, I proceeded to buy a gangsta do-rag in baby blue. I chose that color b/c according to the cashier that was what the "in" gang was wearing around town. I then managed to get approached wearing my do-rag by 2 young hispanic gentleman. Fortunately, and I can't really remember why I had this on me, but I was able to pull out my butterfly knife that I happened to have on me. In a moment of confusion from both sides, some yelling took place and I turned and ran. I had to look like the biggest crackhead ever. I also managed to get slightly lost on my way home which is very perplexing seeing that it is a straight 2 1/2 block shot from my front door to the gas station. I finally made it back to the hottub with the cigarettes. The one girl I thought wanted them actually said that she didn't want any cigarettes. Go figure.
9. Hosted a pre-party and post-party at my place for the Infusion, Luke Cable, Phil K show last weekend. We had about 20 people in the crew. Very worthy.
10. My one girlfriend brought a Serbian girl that hardly spoke english. She was fucking smoking. My friend Pat got that by the end of the night. But the bisexual girl gave made him earn it. That girl has cockblocking down to a science, I tell ya.
11. A girl sucked my dick the other weekend. I stuck my finger in her ass while she did it. She liked it. Then she stopped everything cold and told me she had gotten raped. It was out of context. I was confused. We went to bed. But I held her.
12. I'm going to happy hour today at McFaddens. Sounds shitty but I know lots of girls that are going. Could I possibly find a date for the wedding tomorrow? Probably not anyone that isn't completely fucking psycho. I'll just probably end up taking that woman who lives under the el again. No teeth = Top notch BJ
13. I want to fuck this married woman at work. Who cares?
14. I introduced myself to this I-banker that works on my floor. I like her b/c she has huge tits. In fact, that's the only reason I like her.
15. That same girl wrote me a random email asking if I knew what there was to do around Chicago during the summer b/c she just moved here. I figured I was in prime titty fucking pole position. Well I thought wrong. We had a lunch date. She was some stuck up snob from NYC whose only interests in life were how much she could consume in material possessions and fancy food. I think the story about the midget at my last party was the straw that broke that camel's back with her feelings towards me. You could tell she was the girl who likes to go places to be seen rather than the person who fucking lives it when she goes out. People like that? Forget about it, already fucking dead in my book. But who am I kidding? I would still titty fuck her. It would be fun b/c she would be the kind of girl that you would "aim" for the eye during money shot time.

Tool Time with Me (#1)

Sometimes I'll be sitting there minding my own business and a thought of something that happened in my past will pop into my head for no apparent reason that will make me feel completely stupid about myself and will usually result in a good laughing at my own expense. Many of them I keep to myself. But I noticed as time goes on, I forget about some of these stories. To ensure that this doesn't happen, I am going to start writing these down. Just b/c this is #1, it's not the best, it just is what popped in my head this morning while brushing my teeth.

Back in the Fall of 2000, I decided to buy my first car. I actually bought a 1968 327 Camaro in candy apple red. It's a beautiful car that I still own today. And what I love about it most is that it is what it's supposed to be… a car. Just a car, nothing more. There's no disc brakes, no heat or airconditioning, no fancy shocks, no bells, no whistles… shit, there's hardly a radio. And it's not a computer on wheels. Many would say what a piece of shit. I say it's the last of its kind and I love it. Just give me some muscle and my windows rolled down and I'm perfectly happy.

Well, I'm sort of getting away from my story here. It's just that it's a beautiful day in Chicago and I can't wait to get home to go for a ride. It's the best way for me to unwind after a shite week.

So at the time, I was working at my first job out of school selling computer equipment. I used to always talk to this one purchaser at corporate and she sounded pretty cute.

Sidenote: One thing that I learned in sales in numerous occasions that what may sound cute over the phone is typically not nearly as cute in person.

So after speaking for a couple months we decided it would be a good idea to meet up and go for a movie. One night in October she decided to drive out from the city to where my parents lived (b/c at that time I rolled deep still pimpin' at the p-units crib). From there, we were going to go for drinks and a movie. It was a great night out so I decided what better way to impress this girl than with my new shiny muscle car. Sounded like a great idea at the time but as Lumberg would say in his this probably isn't going to work word of "Yeeeeeeeeaaaaahhh" b/c it turned out to be a disaster. It wasn't anything about the car or me that didn't lead to a second date. And in fact, the girl turned out to be really cute.

And this is why I'm a chotch (reason #1). I had no fucking clue how to drive stickshift. And as if by convincing myself hard enough at that time that it wouldn't be a problem, I surged forward b/c I was cool and I would pull it off.

WRONG, senor chotchorino. When you can't drive stick, you're not going to get lucky and magically be able to drive a stick shift car or even come close enough to fake like you can. You're going to "crash n burn, Mav".

As I watched her being thrown around her seat as the car jerked every which way and the trans and motor made terrible sounds, almost angry sounds that I'm sure if they could be translated into english, it would go something like "hey fuck stick, give it gas" or "if I could, I would rip your balls off". The car definitely wasn't happy with me and I think the girl was even less happy with me. I think the worst part was that she knew how to drive stick so she knew exactly what I was doing wrong and kept trying to tell me what I should do while I was driving. I looked like the ultimate pussy being told how to drive my own muscle car by a chick I didn't even know.

And just to be reminded how bad it was for her. We went to see the Exorcist. I couldn't help to have flashbacks to just an hour earlier when I saw the little girl being tossed around on the bed uncontrollably. Again "yeeeeeeeeeaaaahh". I was thinking, my poor date gets to sit here for about another hour before she'll suffer the same fate in the passenger seat of my vehicle... for the second time tonight! And my shit isn't even possessed!

Yeah, she never spoke to me again. At that point, I just considered myself lucky that I didn't get a bill from her chiropractor.

Simple question, not so simple answer

When asked a simple question by my brother, I responded with the following. Can anyone tell I'm bored?
.........................................
Can you leave the keys to the car in the mailbox or some other designated place tom. morning?

Thanks.

.........................................
Check under the second rock to the left of the 3rd stone to the right of the rental door. Under that rock, there will be an earthworm, if he points north to south, you will have to defeat magical garden gnome that holds the key to the chest with the map in it to find the car keys, if the earthworm points east to west, you will have to catch the next door neighbors cat and throw him into the other neighbors yard, but only if Ronny (the boxer) is outside. At that point, if he makes a barking noise that sounds like "I ruff you", then a Mexican will appear dressed in lederhosen, but make sure he doesn't have leg warmers on or he will sodomize you with the stale tamale he carries in his change purse. If he holds a piccolo in his right hand, then scream at him "noitulover al aviv!!!" which is "viva la revolution!!!" backwards. At that point, he will signal towards the sky where 5 beach balls will fall from directly above you. Only catch the red one, the four brown ones are actually covered in feces from a 3 legged, Ethiopian prostitute who ironically enough lives in Edmonton. Pop the beach ball and inside, there will lie the keys that you seek.

If you don't feel like going through all that, I'll just leave a second set in front of the back door, under the welcome mat.

L8a!
E

Random

It's amazing how writing on here means less and less with every entry. However, due to me terrible memory, I better write something or my experiences will be as good as if they never happened to begin with.

Today, I took the day off. I finished a big project at work at the end of last week and was able to catch on the normal, everyday bullshit of my job this week. I decided to reward myself with having a me day today. One of today's highlights involved going to the Art Institute for a lecture on fashion photography of the minds antipodes. You know, I will be the first to admit that I am a huge partier, sometimes the guy that doesn't make the smartest decisions and a slew of other things that can easily be picked out of this blog. However, one of things that I really am passionate about is my own development outside of the realms of job and the bullshit that goes along with being a typical 20 something in Chicago (shit, 30 is coming up soon). I pride myself on being that guy that can shoot a Jagr Bomb with the best of them while talking about the differences b/w the artistic ideals of impressionistic vs. post-impressionistic eras. Fyi, heads up out there, Renoir is my favorite for that time period, I could go on about that forever, but that's a discussion for a different time.

So today, I'm sitting in this auditorium, listening to this lecturer talk about fashion and it's effect of the zeitgeist of numerous time periods. In the 1950s portion of the lecture, an image of a Baroness (can't remember the country) on her wedding day gazing into a crystal ball...

How do you even do this kind of photograph any justice in written form. You can't.

Black and white shades.
Her focus.
The dedication.
The confidence and uncertainty expressed at the same time.
The hope.
That moment that was frozen in time.
The message that she sent without saying a word.
The beauty.

Why do I think about these things?
Why that?
Why am I different?
Why do I fight myself?
Why am I my own worst enemy?
Why can't I love myself?

Don't give up on me.
I will help you.
I will protect you.
I'll never let anything happen to you if you give me the chance.
The ultimate failure will be if I fail you.

Holy Boner!

Did someone slip some Viagra in my K1 and tonic last night b/c I've been walking around with a huge boner for the entire day. I pass people in the hallways and they're like "Hey Eric... whoa, easy with that thing, big fella" as they move as far away as they can very my very stiff love rod. Yeah, that's right, love rod.

I do always get more horny the less I sleep. So last night I went to bed at 5:15 and woke up at 6:45 which explains a lot of the boner issues today I guess. I had these boring ass meeting all day and all that's going through my head is fucking, grabbing, kissing, licking, stroking, eating, pulling, pushing, thrusting, cumming... it just won't stop. I feel like my old self today.

What I do on the El

I like the el. It's a great place to think. The only really bad thing that I can't stand is when I sit down but don't realize the skeezy homeless guy that smells like rotten meat dipped in a soiled urinal sitting across from me until his odor seeps into the deepest part of my nose. I'm talking the stink that even when you walk away, it's stuck in your nostrils and you think you;ve contracted the smell for awhile. Then I have to do the whole car switch at the next stop. Besides that though, the el is a great place to think.

Things I think about on the el:
1. How fun it would be to blast the person next to me.
2. Breaking out in dance on a crowded train on a Friday afternoon and seeing how many people I could get to dance with me -- b/c we would all be so happy it was Friday.
3. Leaving my zipper undone while standing in the aisle with my crotch right by a young woman's head.
4. Counting the number of women that I would sleep with on that car.
5. Who gets the biggest booby prize for that ride.
6. If any of those pussy gangbangers are carrying any guns and if not, how many I could handle by myself.
7. Passing a note to a hot woman on the el.
8. Wondering how many people are cheating on their significant others that are standing right around me.
9. Do she vibe that I really like her by trading glances for all of a half second.
10. In light of the Olympics, how hard could it be to be an Olympic Curler? And if I could do it, would my current firm sponsor me while I took off all that work?
11. How many of these people have I actually seen in a bar before?
12. I wonder if anyone has been shot right where I'm standing.
13. What would she be like if I was married to her?
14. Despite her conservative appearance, I wonder is she is a sex addict.
15. Why do you look so sad?
16. Do I appear crazy to other people?
17. How do I come across to people looking around the el just as I'm looking around in the same manner.
18. I've seen her before, do you think she recognizes me too?
19. What are you looking at, shit for brains?
20. God, I would love to masturbate right now.

Philosophizin' muh'fucka

Abraham Lincoln once said "When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion". Problem is that I feel good when I do bad things, but that is doing bad, so how good can it be?

Worship me, bitches.

Couple past weekends

2 weekends ago...
Friday: Travelled to hell on earth on Friday after work. In case you don't know what I'm talking about, it's the car impound. I had to help my roomie pick up his Betsy (the toy pickup he keeps around as his Home Depot vehicle). Poor ole Betsy had 69 tickets on her old ass. That cost my roommate approx $5K. He actually told them to keep the thing but when they informed him that his license would be suspended, he broke the wallet open. As you can imagine, the impound lot is not the most efficient of organizations so a simple getting your car out their lot even after you paid can take the upwards of about 2 hours. Oh, it was colder than a witches teet out there so that just added to the funness.

The excursion of course made me late to my real plans which entailed playing poker that night. It's too bad I didn't make it on time, otherwise, my friends could have taken even more of my money. I think I would have had more fun if all of them just took a turn swinging a bag of nickels at my crotch.

Saturday: I went to a bday party at Chicago Tap. Although, it was pretty low key, it was good to see some of the MU guys and catch up a bit. Afterwards, we went to Grand Central. Actually, to my surprise there were a lot of lookers around... unapproachable but at least it was something. I bumped into an old friend from my last job. She looked really good that night. We both pretty much ignored our friends while we played a gruesome game of fuck/kill/marry with all the people we knew from the old job. It was pretty fun. Then instead of asking if she wanted to go somewhere else, I opted for the less embarassing route in case she wasn't on the same level and told I was going to head home and we should do it again and blah, blah, blah. It was the safe move, and probably the better choice since over the past year or so, I've been terrible at reading people.

However, on the way home, I received a very drunk call from two of my girls that wanted to come over and hang out... they even said they would make out with each other. So we were up at my bar for a couple and I thought enough of this nonsense and told them that I wanted some action soooo make out or do whatever. Unfortunately, they balked at my demands. But I did get the next best thing... I got to make out with both of them... and I got to touch their boobies. (Sidenote: I love typing boobies, such a great word, it makes me laugh everytime) Then they wanted to sleep over to which I obliged. In retrospect, it was a mistake. We were getting ready for bed and they want certain tee-shirts and it's too cold and now it's too hot and I don't want the fan blowing on me and I'm not comfortable and I'm thinking "please shut the fuck up". Instead, I just made out with them some more to shut them up, touched their boobies a little bit more and then rolled over and went to bed. "Why did you stop there?" some may ask. Well, we all have a very good mutual friend b/w us. In fact, this girl is another girl I used to work with and these are her two best friends. I just didn't want a bunch of that shit coming back to me in a week and also, we would have woke up the next morning and we would have all been saying "wow, that was a mistake".

Sunday: Recovery day

This weekend...
Friday: Had a meeting after work to discuss commercial real estate. Yes, I'm trying to teach myself the ins and outs of commercial real estate. I don't know how far this is going to go but I like what I've been learning so far. Afterwards, me and two friends went to the following starting at midnight...

1. Nick's Beergarden - why? Because we thought we would get there before the lame ass crowd beat us. Result: We were wrong, not only were there plenty of chotchbags in attendance, but Pizza Da Face made us stand out in the blistering cold while he did his one in one out bullshit. "Dude, you work at Nick's... no really, Nick's Beergarden" gimme a break.

2. We dropped that idea and went a couple doors down to Rodan - best described as the Wicker-Park-starving-artist-trust-fund-baby-hipster bar. Seriously, these people were trying to act like the alternative shit but it was just another facade. I wasn't really dressed for it and I felt people naturally gravitate away from me as I walked through the place.

3. Pint - no crowd. We sat in the corner like 3 jamochs (sp?) and tried to jumpstart the night with a couple shots. The one guy with us Tom (aka Tommy Charms) goes and hits on a girl that had at least 5 inches on him without even any eye contact. And seeing that it was her bday and her bf was working right behind the bar she was sitting at, he didn't do such a bad job. The guy even bought him a shot. Everyone kept it friendly and respectful though so things were cool.

4. Tavern - the new Borderline. Same shit, just not as ghetto. Last time I was in there, I beat someone with my belt. That was a long time ago. At this point I came to the conclusion that all the hot women had been locked up for the winter and I was left with all guys and the girls who can't get play over the warmer months. So my friend and this other guy were "competing" on this other girl. So this guy is talking about something in Africa and decide to butt in and go on a huge rant about genocide. If you didn't know, genocide never makes for a wet beave. My kill obviously led to her taking off the other way which I have to say, I did both guys the favor. Apparently, Mr. Stranger Danger didn't see it my way and his comeback was and get this... "hey, you were that guy who starred in Operation Dumbo Drop". But he didn't stop there, he kept bringing all his friends around and introducing me. You know, it was definitely lame but somewhat funny in an off-the-wall-you're-an-uber-chotch kind of way. But you know, I didn't have a comeback to it so there was really nothing to say. Instead, we just left.

5. Estelle's - had to wait outside in the coldest night of the year for about 20 min. Has it really come down to this? I guess. Still, we still had a glass is half full attitude on the night. Nothing was going to get us down no matter how bad the night was sucking. Well, I thought nothing could get us down until we got in the place. I was talking to N when Tom goes off to talk to whomever. Next thing I know, N is jumping by me to get to a guy who hit Tom. I see a guy hit N and I just start swinging. Of course the guy I hit was a 6'6" black guy. Well, it was too late then so I just kept swinging and the guy fell so I gave him a few more with my fists and feet. Then I picked him up in sort of a headlock and I took a look at him. Besides the realization that my night officially sucked, I came to another realization... Me talking to black guy "Oh shit, hey, what's up man, I went to highschool with you, what's going on?" Then I explained that there must be a huge miscommunication b/c my friends were cool and I don't know what happened. My contingent had been thrown out and somehow they let me out the back alive. I eventually found those guys back at N's place. Tom's eye was closed up and N's nose was a little puffy but no permanent damage. I don't know how I didn't get a whacking but I'll take it. Some would say I need it. Tommy wanted to go back their with a bunch of people and kill everybody but I was able to calm everyone down, well, enough that no one went back there. Actually, Tommy left N's and just to make sure he didn't go back there, we drove over there and waited for him for about 15 min. He said he wasn't but something in the way he said it didn't make me entirely believe him.

Sat, Sun, Mon (Pres Day): Grounded myself from all partying activities. Everytime I go out these days, something bad happens. I'm too old for that shit anymore.

Now what do I do?